The News-Review

A Service of the News Bureau of the Government of the Twelve Colonies

Dirty Dishes: Can you feel the Afterburners?

Posted by Fleet News Service on November 21, 2007

Oh, dahlings, I wish I could, considering my ship is still under lockdown after today’s attack…

But, word is Afterburners was TEH place to be in the fleet tonight! Flygurlz and boiz and the privileged few let down their hair, consumed record amounts of booze, and shook and shimmied the night away. But they deserve it after these last few days of Cylon attacks, don’t they?

Doesn’t the irony just kill you my dears? Most of us are still locked up in our stagnant-smelling, meager little cells and bunks consuming rancid rations while the hoity toities are rubbing elbows and asses and gettin’ all the goods.

Our fleet’s own guardian Angel was there too, rubbin’ and-a grindin’ on the dance floor with her gurltoy. Hasn’t anyone told her she shouldn’t date the help (even if it is her ship), let alone marry them? Seems our Angel isn’t overly concerned about all of these attacks; otherwise, why would she come down off her cloud? Sounds to me like she’s gonna sleep on it. Ah, fresh coffee and breakfast in bed…

Buttered toaster-ovens anyone?

If you’ve got some juicy gossip on someone in the fleet, let me know. Make sure to include “For Ivanna: ” at the start of your Subject line. Mail it to: fleetnewsservice@gmail.com.

Until then, my dahlings, keep dishin’.

Fleet Gossip Columnist: Ivanna Dish

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5 Responses to “Dirty Dishes: Can you feel the Afterburners?”

  1. Wild Card said

    So the people who defend your lives every day, way above and beyond the call of duty are not allowed to unwind ? They can’t simply go to a bar, have a few drinks and dance the night away after having to watch their comrades die in defense of a fleet that in some instances seems unable to apprechiate their daily sacrifice ?

    Show some frakking gratitude. You owe us your worthless life – a dozen times over !

  2. Dearest Wild Card,

    Oh honey, I do respect and appreciate the hard work of all of you in uniform. But, how dare you insinuate that I’m unpatriotic, you little whelp! If you were here now, I’d not only give you a severe tongue-lashing, I’d pull you across my bony knees and give you a spanking to remember.

    Let me tell you something; during the last war, this old hag showed plenty of appreciation to our flyboiz (and, maybe one or two gurlz) before settling down and marrying one of you. After all, we wouldn’t be here without the support of our Guardian Angel and her band (although I think my parents and the luck of the Gods might also have something to do with it).

    You do realize the shortages that affect this fleet, don’t you sweetheart? As a gossip columnist, part of my job is to reflect the feelings of the rest of us…the unwashed masses (did I mention water shortages?). We all grieve for every precious life that’s lost, but honey, you AIN’T the only one sacrificing!

    Because you have your cowboy hat and gun, you get the good stuff, while young women and children (our hopes for the future) often go without any food or water on the more distant ships and those that have little to trade? Fine, life is full of iniquities, just don’t flaunt it. If I weren’t such a withered old crone, I’d say gimme a gun, ’cause I can shoot at toasters and be a target too (and I bet some of you other dahlings reading would love that)!

    In case you hadn’t noticed, although the Cylons have only been hitting Pacifica of late, HUMANITY is and has been their target. This ain’t your textbook war, my dear…this is GENOCIDE, and your old protocol rulebook should’a been chucked out the airlock a long time ago. The military’s attitude is becoming elitist, and it never used to be, especially among you young’uns that didn’t live through the first war. And as someone who’s grown up in it, married within it, and then widowed by it, I oughta know! However, guess some of us old farts are also why we’re in this disaster in the first place, isn’t it. After all, the Cylons are our fault.

    Sure honey, you have a reason to celebrate. We all do, party it up. We’re all alive. However, if most of the ships in the fleet hadn’t still been locked up, and so short of resources and hope, terrified with all of the recent attacks, and the display hadn’t been so public (let’s see, perhaps out of the general public’s sight on Pacifica), and far from your remaining functioning launch bay, then I wouldn’t have had any cause for criticism for that short line that downed you faster than a shot from a Raider. In case you hadn’t noticed, your ship’s slowly going down pumpkin…so, glug glug. And when that next klaxon rings; we’ll all just be wondering if you’ll be waking up with your hangover somewhere OTHER than Pacifica…far away from our last and only defense.

    Sleep well dahling. Kisses.

    Ivanna Dish

  3. starbuckk said

    Might wanna check your wireless dear. You are disconnected. Angel is not “dating the hired help”. They are married. A marriage made in (7th) Heaven. And by the way, Captain Halberd is a well respected fleet captain, corporate officer and ELECTED quorum member.

    No one called you unpatriotic. Must have been static on your line again.

    One last note..if the shuttles aren’t flying its because the cylons are. Cylons know they are unarmed. So they target them.

  4. Ooops, guess somebody (probably, lil’ ancient ole me), deleted the “let alone marry them” that was to follow the “date” statement in the final edits. Still reads though, but you’re right. So, I’ve put it back in. My bad, as they say.

    Thanks for the correction sugarbuns.

    BTW…you’re kinda cute, seeing anyone?

  5. Cpt. LizzyD Vendetta said

    Hey Dish…One more point of correction…It is not Sugarbuns, it is Captain Dreamy.

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