The News-Review

A Service of the News Bureau of the Government of the Twelve Colonies

Archive for October, 2007

Cylon Joke Contest

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 30, 2007

Afterburners hosted a Cylon Joke Contest a few nights back….here are a few of the jokes submitted…

What you get when a engineer meets a cylon?
A Toaster

Two cylons are on patrol, and one says to the other, “did you cut one?” and the other says “no, it was the daggit.”

What is the difference between a cylon and a rusty bucket of bolts?

What do you call a big white cylon swimming in the ocean?
Moby Cylon

What do you call a cylon with out any arms and legs?

What do you call a cylon who has fallen into a vat of boiling oil?
Kentucky Fired Cylon

And the winner of the Cylon Joke Contrest…..

Who’s there?

Cylon who?

Cylon’T night, holy night

 So anyone not attending these parties….what are you waiting for?!  Get down to Afterburners and let off some steam!


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New feature to The News-Review!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 29, 2007

The News-Review is proud to being you a new weekly feature where we sit down with a member of the fleet for a one on one interview!  The Fleet is made of of people…we are not Vipers, Battlestars, Luxury Liners….we are people…we are all that is left of Humanity!  Let us celebrate that Humanity and get to know the people.

So look for the new “tab” at the top of the news….Weekly Sit-down and get to know the people and what makes us all Human!

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The News-Review welcomes Kelly and the Bruder Report!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 26, 2007

We welcome our newest reporter..Kelly Bruder!  I had the pleasure to watch her in action last night at Afterburners and here is her first story of many in the Bruder Report!

This is your ear in the fleet Kelly Bruder reporting on some hard hitting issues going on with in the Fleet and what the stewards of the fleet have to say. I went down to 7th Heaven’s bar to have a drink and just so happen to meet up with the CAG and the Commander at the same time.  Having my finger on the pulse of the fleet I asked them the questions you want to know about.  I asked the Commander about our Brave Civilian pilot who had to out run a Raider she said simply that “they are slippery quick they have a mind of there own.”  Could this be the case or are our mighty defenders spending to much time in the bar or on the Mining vessel (Tylium Queen).  Speaking of that, I asked our Commander about her thoughts on the Mining Vessel.  Once again she had this to say, “tho having a hot bed of crime is a bad thing, I as being in the military can do nothing about it.”  Could this really be the case?  I mean if this ship being run rampant with crime, could cause issues for not only the public but the fleet?  The CAG had nothing to say to any of it she could only order more drinks witch leads me to believe that perhaps she has had one to many drinks and seen one to many combats.  While I was in the Bar I happened to ask another ship Captain her thoughts on the matter, Tanya Halbred.  She had this to say, “well I don’t like it and something needs to be done”.  She also noted that other Captains felt the same way.  Could this be a call to arms to do something about the fleets ghetto? or will nothing be done as our Defenders are over worked and the government is understaffed or perhaps on the take?  Never Fear, your Eye in the Fleet will find the answers to these questions and more!  Keep reading The Bruder Report!

Kelly Bruder
The News-Review

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Civilian pilot comes under fire!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 22, 2007

Last-night…the Cylons made a surprise move against the Fleet.  Things have been quiet for some time and maybe our pilots have been lulled into a sense of false security…I don’t know…but last-night they attacked.  The CAP was not to be found and Civilian Pilot Windy Weiland was piloting a near full shuttle of mostly civilians including one government official.  It was then that a Cylon Heavy Raider approached the Fleet and began to fire on the shuttle.  Ms. Weiland heroically piloted the shuttle into the nearby Pacifica landing bay…taking several rounds from the Raider as she went.  The Raider did not let up…it pursued the shuttle around and into the bay…forcing Ms. Weiland to do a 180 degree turn of the shuttle inside the landing pod.  She was able to dock and let the civilians reach safety inside the Pacifica.  Her skills in piloting and concern for safety ensured the handful of passengers made it safely aboard!  But it doesn’t stop there!  Once safe and recovering from the ordeal outside…the group encountered Cylon Centurions who must have been aboard the Heavy Raider and forced their way inside the Pacifica.  “I was never so scared…”, Ms. Weiland exclaimed, “..I turned the corner and a Centurion was right there!”  It was here things turned from bad to worse…Ms. Weiland took two rounds to the shoulder and the leg before the Centurion was taken down.  Rushed off to sickbay…her wounds were tended to while more Centurions boarded the Pacifica.  The Colonial Marines and CIC staff defended the ship and suppressed the waves of attacks while several Vipers patrolled and destroyed the incoming Heavy Raiders.

Again the men and women of the Colonial Military defended the fleet from attack…but last-night the real hero was Ms. Weiland.  Her bravery and skill reached a level no one would have ever asked her to do!

D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)
The News-Review 

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Rockin The Roof Off

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 22, 2007

This evening I have had my first experience of a night at the Afterburners bar and I have to say a rocking time was had by all – although some more than others

an innocent trip or drinking to excess?

With all the outragious flirting between the ranks and with civilians I think that President Vargas might be wise to decide where to put the fleet nursery very soon …

Some of the flirting techniques however do need brushing up on – I fear some of our Lieutenants have resorted to giving civilians instructions on how Vipers fly

Really They Fly This Way!!!

On the whole I would definately recommend a night in the Afterburners bar to let your hair down

HexxKitten Soleil

The News-Review

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XO Vendetta gets her wings!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 21, 2007

Last night Afterburners was not only a place to dance and relax…it was also a place of celebration is Cpt. Starbuckk Serapis and Cpt. Tanya Halberd awarded the Tylium Queen’s XO LizzyD Vendetta with her wings! She had succesfully passed her certification exam earlier in the day, after failing it once I was told. She joins the ranks of civilian pilots. Not the same glory as those in the Vipers…but still a great responsibility! We all wish her well and look forward to more graduates from the civilian pilot training program.


D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)
The News-Review

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From Kobol to Earth!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 21, 2007

Here is an update to the Kobol story…so far you have only heard the beginning! Here is what I was able to learn from an exclusive interview with Captain Nivea Allen…

When they landed…two Raptors and a Civilian Shuttle…they found an ancient temple. Ruins around it, yep still running water in the fountain! After looking around for a little bit, a stone tablet was discovered (see below). Just then the Cylons moved in and attacked with Raiders…as if they were waiting for us she said. In the confusion the Civilian Shuttle was destroyed and the Commander (Angelica Nephilim) ordered all the civilians to the Raptors. Captain Halberd and Ms. Vielle were able to get back to the fleet…the Oracle, Windy, Commander, Cpt Allen and a few marines were left stranded. After the Raptors jumped away..all went quiet.


They explored the temple area and the Oracle discovered a hologram above a pedestal…it clearly showed what is believed to be Earth and the distant planet the President spoke of before! The Commander and Cpt. Allen recognized it from the Presidents conference room wall. More exploration that night revealed a second stone tablet…this one looking like a map or a star chart. The group made camp and rested for the night. Restless sleep, standing watch and the Oracles sudden sickness the next morning did not allow for much rest. Shortly after getting up….they looked around a little more…discovering an even more ancient set of ruins. It was then the StealthStar appeared and within minutes the group was brought home.


Earth…the 13th Colony…the planet the fleet heads towards even now. Let us get there swiftly and safely…let us leave the past behind…the Cylons behind. Look forward…look to Earth!

D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)
The News-Review

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Bless the Lords…it’s Kobol!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 15, 2007

I was not part of the group that went planetside, but Ms. Vielle was. After she got back and amist all the chaos…she was most thoughtful to have prepared this statement for The News-Review:

It would seem that the planet we are near is indeed the legendary Kobol based in intelligence gleaned from Cylon sources.

A large landing party went down, to investigate, led by the Commander (Angelica Nephilim) herself. In addition a number of civilians were there for scientific and observation purposes. An ancient temple was discovered, which was of Colonial style which would seem to confirm it was indeed the legendary Kobol. And indeed I discovered a tablet that bore writings of a religious nature.

Just as we were deciphering it, Cylon Raiders attacked. It was a trap, we had not been there more than a few minutes! They knew when and where we would be.

There was a scramble to evacuate personnel. Most were evacuated, but in the rush, The Commander (Angelica Nephilim), Chief Engineer Nivea Allen, The Oracle (Eyea Aya), Civilian Pilot Windy Weiland, and a number of Colonial marines were left behind, as the first Raptors took off.

Back on the Pacifica, the order came down from the Pacifica XO not to mount a rescue mission, due to the presence of a Cylon basestar. Leaving the stranded personnel to fend for themselves, overrun by Cylon Centurions, fighting for their lives.

Feelings are running high about the whole affair… and the Commander, the Oracle and many other brave souls are left stranded on the surface.

Is this the way it will always be? Every time the Cylons attack we leave more and more people behind? I am safe on the Seventh Heaven, but once again, justlike the attack on the Twelve Colonies, I know I have my life while others are left behind. We can’t leave any more behind we must rescue those stranded on Kobol.

The last paragraph of commentary is her own, but I ask the same questions. Are they picking us off one by one? Do they want to see us driven mad as each one of us survivors is taken from the rest. We have experienced enough loss and tragedy, to watch it again day after day is to much.

Let us pray to the Gods the XO (Darsh “Rainy” Lucero) gets back in there and brings our people home. And pray that we can end this Cylon menace and travel to a new home in peace!

So Say We All

D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)
The News-Review

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Afterburners is a hit!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 13, 2007

For those of you who may not have been to an Afterburners party….you are missing out!  A wonderful chance to unwind 6 days a week!  Dancing, companionship, even prizes!  Daily competition on the “Best of…” series.  The other night was who would you like best on a Rat Hunt!  Others have been best on an EVA or in a shuttle ride….fun all around!



(Recent winner Cpt. Nivea Allen – Best on an EVA mission!)

So check the Afterburners Lounge Schedule and get youself there!

D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)

The News-Review 

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A civilians courage and sacrifice…

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 5, 2007

The Afterburners club on 7th Heaven is becoming famous for its noontime and evening parties and last-night I let my hair down and was waiting for the shuttle to head on over.  Little did I know at the time…I was about to see the real face of the people in the fleet.  I got word I was needed in the clinic and tapped my foot hoping the shuttle would hurry and that it was nothing to serious.  I arrived there to find an already gathering group of concerned people. Julian Slade waiting behind the desk and voices and sobs from behind the curtain.  Julian Slade whispered to me as I looked on confused, “They got to her… the people on the mining ship. Held her for two days…because she talked to the president… about what goes on in the mining ship…” He told me what they did to her for that time and you can imagine it was far from nice treatment.  We were talking about Van Valeeva, a former dancer on the Tylium Queen.  I remember seeing her once briefly…obviously ashamed of what she was doing at the time.  You see…she was trying to have something better.  Dancing and getting money to find a way out of the hellhole nicknamed the TQ.  Van was strong and determined and found a way out for herself…found her way into the hearts of the President and a noble young pilot.  She earned her ticket out. 

Her courage did not stop there…she told people what had been going on on the TQ, “…no one can stop them…no one can find them…you never know WHO runs the cells. They blend in…and hire families to do what they need them to do. So they get better rations and better rooms…and their children stay safe.”  She went on to talk about the underworld there, “The mining ship…is run by men…called the Pacifica Pirates. They run everything…but no one knows who they are…but they are there. There is no leader that anyone knows of…but there is one.”  This is what she has told the President before and what lead to her capture and abuse at the hands of these men.  With Van was also Julian, Captain Serapis and the new XO of the Tylium Queen, LizzyD Vendetta, “I am getting in supplies..I am trying Van…No one is paying for anything anymore.” LizzyD tried her best to comfort Van and I could see a rage in her eyes.  Van explained that everything brought in was property of the black market, to which XO Vendetta replied, “Not what I am bringing in….everyone will get it.  Business like that is closed…if your on the Queen you are in it with everyone else.”

Van Valeeva picked herself up by her stiletto straps, found the courage to make a better life, to put things in the past and work to the future.   She had the courage to tell others of what is going on and for that she was made an example of.  Last night Van kept apologizing as we kept telling here it was not her fault…she felt for the new XO, “I…I don’t want to be trouble.”  XO Vendetta gave her a little smile,”…the trouble is now just starting…trust me!”  I feel a storm coming on.

Soon after…I helped secure Van in a room and watched as XO Vendetta left the 7th with clenched fist and white knuckles.  We all felt a great sadness, but from Van’s courage and sacrifice, I have hope that conditions will change.  That is all she wanted…a bed.  No one in this fleet…in all that is left of Humanity should have to endure what she did to get a bed.  So next time those of us who are fortunate enough to find our way to the 7th and to join the party at Afterburners….remember those who can not, remember the true face of the fleet, remember those that would love to just have a bed.

D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)

The News-Review

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We bury the past…may we look to the future!

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 4, 2007

I arrive after it was over….Commander Nephilim, Captains Halberd and Serapis, and others look to the three fresh graves and headstones in the dome of 7th Heaven. Captain Halberd wiping away a tear….but let me back up.

Today the brave men and women of the Pacifica once more…and the last time…returned to our home to gather supplies and special mission of picking up the remains of Major Heidi Stiglitz’s husband and daughters. Many important things were recovered today…but let me get back to the most important.

Lt. Slade dug the graves as the Commander and others watched on…”May they rest in peace knowing their mother and wife will watch over them until the stars grow cold.”, Commander Nephilim spoke. With the bodies laid to rest and the headstones in-place, Lt. Slade whispered to the stones. “We’ll keep your mom safe for you, girls…”. Marine Private Darcy fires off the 21 rounds. Even now I feel I can hear them echoing off the dome. The shots brought radio chatter and people from the rest of the 7th…Captain Halberd rushing to see what is happening…and informed by the Commander, “I just reburied the CAG’s family…Now they will be with her.” Tanya fighting back her tears, “Lords Ange, what will the Major say?” Commander Nephilim only replies, “I hope she wil come to grips with leaving the Colonies now.” Tanya says, “She’s either going to hug you or kill you Ange.” “Its the least a friend could do either way.” replied the Commander. Tanya could not stop crying.

Commander Nephilim motions to the headstones…”And this is a reminder to us all of what we’ve gone through and why we do what we do…Today we leave the Colonies behind, but take what makes us “us” with us.”

Yes…we are leaving…we are not returning. The colonies are no longer home, only a memory. Today not only were the Stiglitz laid to rest…all of our families, friends, lovers were laid along side them. Now we can look forward.

Wiping away a tear…

D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)
The News-Review

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Repairs restore Tylium Queen to previous “glory”

Posted by Fleet News Service on October 4, 2007

Some of you may have noticed from the dome of the 7th Heaven for several weeks now the Tylium Queen had gone unrepaired.  This reporter  has been trying to follow rumors of supply and parts shortages within the fleet.  The military has been not suprisingly tight lipped.  So when Captain Serapis of the Colonial One informed me that he and Executive Officer LizzyD Vendetta of the Tylium Queen has located some parts and completed repairs of the the TQ…I was most intrigued.  XO Vendetta declined no so politely to reveal the source of the parts, stating, “It is my fracking business to know where certain supplies are…not yours.”  Well despite her harsh attitude, I could tell she was excited to see the repairs complete.  The horrible living conditions have gotten slightly better.  With rumors of shortages, cylons among us and over crowding…ships like the Tylium Queen can quickly become a hotbed of trouble.


(XO LizzyD Vendetta / Lt. Ronin Calayn / Cpt. Starbuckk Serapis go EVA to fix the Tylium Queen)

D’Anna Biers (Dollwife Pink)

The News-Review

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